Lance Drummonds Music Blog

Concept art for the 2010 Summer line of Snuggies

Ever had a friend tell you an idea? They were just soooo excited. But it was dumb. Like really dumb. Like run-through-a-tear-gas-cloud-after-a-full-body-shave dumb. And you told them as much. And they were hurt but determined to prove you wrong. And then it turns out you were wrong, cuz now they’re rich and you’re not.

Me neither. But I imagine that’s what happened to the guy who was buddies with the inventor of a certain hot commodity:

Ned: Hey Elliott, I have this great idea. You know how you’re cold so you get under a blanket…

Elliott: I do know that. Continue…

Ned: But you want to keep eating your tasty fruit snacks. And you can’t do it from under the blanket because then you get fuzz on them.

Elliott: I don’t know what to do…

Ned: I know! Well what if you were able to remain under your blanket but you could still eat those fruit snacks?

Elliott: That’s crazy talk Ned! Get outta your dream world!

Ned: No, El. I’ve found a way. Introducing the Arms Quilt! It’s a blanket with sleeves! See?

Elliott: …

Ned: …

Elliott: …

Ned: See?

Elliott: Isn’t that a robe… backwards?

Ned: No… it’s… well… kinda… ok a little bit. But because I call it something else, people will buy it by the droves. Articles will be written about it in Newsweek and USA Today. It will gross over $1 million it’s first year being marketed. People all across the country will have the infomercial number on speed dial. It’ll be on Christmas lists, birthday wishes, anniversary gift catalogs –

Elliott: Dude.

Ned: What?

Elliott: Is it really that difficult to pull the blanket down, get whatever it was that apparently has you torn between choosing warmth or having it in your hands, use the item, them pull the blanket back up?

Ned: El, you have this one opportunity. If you scorn me, I will make you regret it the rest of your life.

Elliott: If this idea takes off, I’ll take whatever medicine I have coming. I’m so sure this is a disaster waiting to happen that I’ll let you name it after me when it hits big.

Ned: Soon, very soon you will rue this day, Elliott Snouglas Van Buren.

And that’s how the Snuggie was born. But seriously, if a friend told you about the Snuggie, would you have given it thumbs up or thumbs down? I still think it’s stupid. First time I saw that infomercial I said, “What the fuzz is that? Who would be dumb enough to pay for that thing + shipping and handling?” Turns out a lot of people. And not just Appalachian hillbillies, like real people, college-educated professionals. I made the mistake of incredulously mentioning how dumb the commercial was in a group and at least 3 people said they wanted one while the person who owned one sang its praises. I was awestruck. A Snuggie is an evolved hospital gown. A blanket with two holes. I illustrated this to Celeste after she bought one for my sis-in-law. I put on my bath robe backwards, pulled the tie belt off and stood before her with my home-made Snuggie that was already hanging up in my closet. But people are glad to own them, proud even.

Here is short list of some other ideas that I would’ve called stupid, yet for some reason, people love:

1.    Crocs

They are plastic. Floppy. Ugly. Bad for your feet. Childish. And you can buy exact replicas at Dollar General for five bucks. A next-generation Danish wood clog. Yet thousands of rich people clamor for these clown slippers at $39+ because… … … Actually I don’t know why. I saw a grown-A man walking into a building with his two little sons the other day. The boys had Crocs on, fine. But so did dad. Neon tangerine orange Crocs. With each step my opinion of him sunk a little lower. But the inventor, George B. Boedecker, Jr., filthy rich.

2.    Black people with Mohawks

Now I know how old people feel when they see the latest fashion trend pop up and it’s just a little off the beaten path. That’s how I felt the first time I saw a gangsta with a Mohawk. And he wasn’t a biker gangster, or a punk rocker, or someone with a strange receding hairline. This cat was hood. Yet his hairstyle was by choice. He asked someone to do that to his head. He then looked at it in the handheld mirror, said “I like it” and paid the person who did it. I was astounded because I thought Mohawks were reserved for people of the lighter pigmentation when they were trying to be rebellious or emo. But alas… Trayvon is rocking it proudly.

3.    The Wiggles

I’m sitting in the pediatrician’s office with Bailey waiting on the doc. He’s taking a while and Bailey’s about as stationary as a 70 yr old who forgot to take his bladder control medicine. So I turn on the VCR in the patient room. Didn’t know what video was in there, didn’t care. But as the screen materializes I see four grown men. They’re wearing long-sleeved t-shirts. Standing amidst what looks like a set made by third graders. They have accents. They look to be in their mid 40s maybe. Then the music. Singing. Now they’re dancing. But not well. Actually they’re dancing exactly the way I would have guessed they’d dance. A good number of people would probably call these men “tools”. But they call themselves… The Wiggles.

4.    Wii Fit

I may be wrong, but if you tried the Bowflex, the Malibu Pilates, that big ol’ rubber ball, and P-90X and you still haven’t hit your goal… will a stationary platform that links to a cartoony thing on a video game get you over the hump? Not only do you not get a real workout, but it’s kind of a safety hazard. I almost broke my ankle trying to do that stupid balancing game. And I do have a slight grudge – it told me my fitness age was 37. What the…!? 37?!?! Based on what? My BMI is great. I have a low resting heart rate, low blood pressure, low LDL and high HDL. But because my “center of balance” was a little off, I’m creepin’ up on my mid-life crisis??? I’m bow-legged, so sue me!

5.    Skinny Jeans

Anybody who knows me knows how I feel about skinny jeans for dudes. I make audible sounds of disgust in earshot of the offender. I’m an empathetic person. So I feel other people’s pain, even when they may not show their strife on the outside. And for skinny jeans wearers… I hurt… especially in the “nether-region.” Who came up with this idea? “Hmmm… how can I make it uncomfortable to stand in front of me on a crowded elevator… I got it!”

But I bring all of this up because, I truly thought these ideas were stupid. And for the most part I still do (the Mohawk thing is growing on me… mostly because I gave Bailey a shampoo version during a bath and she did look fierce). Yet somebody somewhere had a unique idea. And instead of letting sideline sitters tell them how dumb it was (which someone most certainly did, please tell me someone did), they went out and made it happen. And now look what happened – because of their stupid invention, someone, somewhere is three easy payments of $39.95 poorer yet happy as a clam.

I know you got a dumb idea sitting around. Go make it happen.

~ Byron